The Satisfiers of Alpha Blue (1980)

This cheap sci-fi/porn holds the crown for one of the stupidest titles of all-time, until "The Myth of Fingerprints" and "Surfer, Dude" was released. A bearded Algon (Robert Kerman) is sad. He and his best buddy Griffin (Herschel Savage) live in the twenty-first century in a world without poverty and war. When men need some lovin', they call up a "satisfier," whose main job is to cater to their every sexual whim. While Griffin enjoys the wall-to-wall, all-day sex, Algon wants something more- love and romance. The satisfiers' main goal is to become a hostess, then they will be able to pick the men they sleep with. Algon fixates on the lovely Diana (Lysa Thatcher), who rejects him. After a little slap-happy rough sex, Diana comes around, and Algon and Diana live happily ever after...c'mon, this is a porno, you want Shakespeare? I remember reading that when Stanley Kubrick was looking to make "Eyes Wide Shut," he had planned on filming it with hardcore sex scenes. He did not realize that dream, and I doubt he could have. There are not enough good actors and actresses who can both deliver a line of dialogue and do hardcore scenes. With the ever-blurring line between porn and the mainstream, this film stands out as a relic. Damiano just wanted to put raincoat-wearing butts in a dirty theater's seats, he was not looking to make a mainstream film that would be shown in suburbia. The acting is porn acting- awful. Most of the talent is physical, why be concerned with emoting and characterization? Typical of most porn, I marveled at some of the pretty girls, rolled my eyes at the technical aspects, and waited for this to end. The sets and costumes are hilarious. We are all supposed to be wearing knits and watching stock film footage on giant wall televisions- okay, that last part is true. The plot lumbers along so the cast can do what they were hired to do. There are only so many ways to film a sex act, but Damiano tries to put a new spin on the proceedings- slow motion, freeze framing, and extreme close-ups all to mask a sad film. This was followed by a sequel, "Return to Alpha Blue," I will not be looking for that anytime soon. Done in the waning days before video saved the porn industry, "The Satisfiers of Alpha Blue" elicits sympathy more than erotica.