Blackbird (2022)

Hats off to Showcase cinemas for at least giving this an outing in the UK. That's the positive out of the way. The rest of this is borderline terrible. It all centres around director/writer/star Michael Flatley who portrays retired super-agent "Victor Blackley" - a sort of suave and debonaire hybrid of Kevin Spacey and Bob Hope. He runs a swish Caribbean hotel with his pals "Nick" (Ian Beattie), "Caz" (Lara Lemon) and "Matiti" (Anthony Chisholm). All of his cohorts were also in an outfit called the "Chieftains" (no, not the Irish folk singers). They are used to the rich, famous and not so savoury staying at their hotel so when "Blake" (Eric Roberts) arrives, "Victor" is content to mind his own business. Until, that is, he discovers that that man's girlfriend is "Vivien" (Nicole Evans) who used to be one of their number, and that her beau is bent on selling a deadly toxin to the unscrupulous "Farooq" (Javed Khan). The remainder of this really third rate drama explains to us the tragic circumstances that drove "Victor" to seek solace away from it all. Of course, when he realises that his friends are in danger, he rolls up his sleeves and presents up with an ending that is, frankly, hilarious... Lots of lingering, moody, photography of the sea lapping around the rocks, or the rain tipping it down in Ireland (straight from a watering can over the boom) and a repetitive orchestral score do little to help raise this (accidentally) semi-comic thriller from a mediocrity that I have rarely seen. The acting is dreadful, and many of the scenarios come across as though they were filmed with just one camera then reset for the opposing angle with scant regard to continuity. "Riverdance" must have, indeed, proved to be extremely lucrative for this former, inspired, dancer and choreographer as he seems to have money to burn on this sterile, piecemeal and lightweight nonsense.